Fight Songs
by Qweb
Summary: Hawaii Five-0 filksongs. It's time for Christmas carols! Last Christmas song now posted.
1. M is for

_If you don't know the M-O-T-H-E-R song, look for the sentimental, oldies version online._

_I didn't write this. Danny did. Couldn't have been me._

"**M" Is For...**

By Detective Danny Williams

"**M"** is for the million ways he kills you.

"**C"** is for Camaro, though it's mine.

"**Ga"** is for the sound of someone choking.

"**Rr"** is for the growl he does so fine.

"**E"** is for the noise of distant screaming.

"**T-T"** stands for trouble that's **Times Three**.

Put them all together, it's **"McGarrett,"**

The man who'll be the death of me.


	2. Danny Boy

_Author's notes: So, since Angelofjoy hinted at this, I'd better post it._

_I have to give Danny props for creativity for the use of sound effects in his song. But, in true Navy SEAL style, Steve didn't shirk the challenge and powered through — with many erasures and cross-outs — until he crafted a response. With McGarrett's Irish heritage, the choice of "Danny Boy" was a natural._

_Again, it's best if you sing along._

**Danny Boy**

_By Lt. Cmdr. Steven J. McGarrett, USN_

Oh, Danny boy, the cuffs, the cuffs are calling.

Make an arrest and bring the bad guys in.

Then you'll complain how much you miss New Jersey.

You'll wave your hands and sputter when I grin.

You'll rant about the sunshine and the pineapples,

About grenades and roofs and sharks and so,

And, yes, we know, you say you hate Hawaii,

But when you book 'em, Danny boy, you love it so.


	3. Way Out West

_Author's Note: Obviously writing filksongs (fannish songs) is a sickness and I've caught a severe case. I really can't blame this one on anyone but myself. I can't think of any character who would write such mush for Danny. _

_The tune is "They Call the Wind Maria" from the musical "Paint Your Wagon."_

**Way Out West**

Way back East there is a man

Whose home has grown too lonely.

His heart has gone three-thousand miles

And left him in New Jersey

New Jersey … New Jersey …

He calls his home New Jersey.

Way out West — and I mean west!

The breezes blow so sweetly.

A little girl is crying in

Her new home in Hawaii.

Hawaii … Hawaii …

She's living in Hawaii.

The little girl can't understand

Why paradise feels empty.

She'll never see her dad again

When he's living in New Jersey

New Jersey … New Jersey …

He's far away in Jersey.

He's moving west, across the sea,

He's made his plans already.

His daughter and a brand new badge

And a new life in Hawaii.

Hawaii … Hawaii …

He calls his home Hawaii.


	4. Full Means and Immunity

_Today is the day Hawaii was admitted as a state. Happy birthday, Hawaii!_

_I suppose no one knows this song either. It's the refrain (and only the refrain) for Johnny Mercer's "__Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" aka "Accentuate the Positive."_

**Full Means and Immunity**

Five-0 has

Full means and immunity

To protect the community

And catch crooks with impunity

So don't mess with Danny, Chin or Steve.

Offenders

Blurt out the profanity

When Five-0 defends humanity

Just watch out for the insanity!

And don't mess with Kono, Chin or Steve.


	5. Brand New Badge

_A song for Chin, from Steve's point of view but I doubt he wrote it. This is "A Whole New World" from Disney's "Aladdin."_

**A Brand New Badge**

I can give you a badge  
>Shining, shimmering, splendid<br>So, detective, now when did  
>You last feel some hope and pride?<p>

I can give it all back  
>Bring you clear out from under<br>Fix the HPD's blunder  
>So you never have to hide<p>

A fresh new start  
>With no dishonor from the past<br>No one to tell you no  
>Or bring you low<br>Or say you must be scheming.

A brand new badge  
>A depth of faith you never knew<br>And when you work with us  
>You'll have our trust<br>And know we'll stand against the world with you

A brand new badge  
>That's what I'll give<br>A job enhanced  
>A second chance<br>For you to live.


	6. Surfer Girl

_The choice of song for Kono was pretty obvious. "Surfer Girl" by the Beach Boys. I really like this one. Thanks for the Tuesday story, Angelofjoy. This one's for you.  
><em>

**Surfer Girl**

Lovely surfer with a gun  
>Makes his jaw come all undone.<br>Will you join us, will you surfer girl?  
><em>(Surfer girl, our rookie surfer girl.)<em>

We have watched you on the job  
>Undercover with the mob.<br>Cool and clever, that's our surfer girl.  
><em>(Surfer girl, surfer girl.)<em>

You have computer skills to envy  
>And a mean left hook.<br>With your Kel-Tec and karate  
>You'll capture many crooks!<p>

Finding bodies, testing blood,  
>Sifting through a ton of crud,<br>That's our rookie: Kono, surfer girl.  
><em>(Surfer girl, surfer girl.)<em>


	7. Carguments: A Duet

_This time I got one word stuck in my head: car-r-r-r-r-r-r-gument.  
>The song is "Marian, the Librarian" from "The Music Man." The tune is really irregular and so is the rhyme scheme. You've just got to sing it. I know it's on YouTube, if you don't know it.<br>You can probably tell, but _the regular typeface is Danny_, _**the bold face is Steve**_ and the italics belong to me, the narrator.  
>By the way, the original song is pretty darn funny, too.<em>

**Cargument: A Duet**

What can I do, you jerk,  
>To make this work?<br>I hate you badly, badly  
>Freakin' Neanderthal<br>That's not all…

Heaven help me,  
>If your lunacy is contagious<br>And I give up my tie for camo  
>And a missile addressed to occupant.<br>_This is a cargument_

**What can I say, you cop,  
>To make you stop?<br>You keep on ranting, ranting  
>Crazy New Jerseyan.<br>And again…**

When I'm wounded  
>And I'm shot in my whatchamacallit<br>I expect you to say I'm sorry  
>And to promise me no more accidents<br>_These are the carguments_

**Now in Hawaii, he still wears neckties  
>In Hawaii.<br>And this fella would fuss by the hour  
>About backup and sunlight and sand<br>Tell me how much can a guy stand?**

What can I do, dear lord!  
>Please hear one word,<br>I hate you badly, badly  
>Crazy commando guy<br>This is why…

**It's a long lost cause, just do it because…  
><strong>But the civilized world expects police to follow the laws…

_As they're driving along they're setting a precedent  
>Having a cargument.<br>This is their cargument._


	8. Fun, Fun, Fun

_I really like this one. It's fun, fun, fun to sing. It's a bit of a rush to take one line straight out of the original and set it down unchanged in the filksong. The tune is the Beach Boys' "Fun, Fun, Fun." And if you look at the reviews, you'll see this one is all Jelsemium's fault. _

**Fun, Fun, Fun**

Well, you got your partner's car and you drove through the streets like an arrow,  
>Running lights, jumping curbs, breaking laws, 'til he's chilled to the marrow.<br>At the wheel, in control, you forget that it's not your Camaro!  
>And you'll have fun, fun, fun until Danny takes the Chevy away.<p>

Danny hates your driving and he says you're an awful disgrace, now.  
>You make the Indy 500 look like a Roman chariot race, now.<br>A lot of crooks try to lose you when they lead you on a wild car chase, now.  
>And you'll have fun, fun, fun until Danny takes the Chevy away.<p>

Well, you knew all along that your friend was getting mad again, now.  
>And, though he hid his set of keys, a police car is your alternate plan, now.<br>And with the siren blastin' you're cruisin' just as fast as you can, now.  
>And you'll have fun, fun, fun now that Danny took the Chevy away.<p> 


	9. Five0 Christmas Carol

A little song for the holidays. Pretty obvious this is to the tune of Jingle Bells.

**Five-0 Christmas Carol**

Bad guy's on the run  
>In Honolulu town<br>Suspect's got a gun  
>Everybody down!<p>

He makes a getaway  
>Steve jumps behind the wheel<br>Oh what fun on Christmas Day  
>With crazy Super SEAL.<p>

Oh, jingle bells, pukka shells  
>Christmas lights in palms<br>Snowmen made of coconuts.  
>I'm trying to stay calm.<p>

Dashing through the streets  
>We chase the suspect's car<br>With Steven at his heels  
>You know he won't get far.<p>

The suspect veers off route  
>And takes out Santa's sleigh<br>We follow him in hot pursuit  
>So he won't get away.<p>

Oh, jingle bells, pukka shells  
>Christmas lights in palms<br>Snowmen made of coconuts.  
>I'm trying to stay calm.<p>

A gunshot makes me shout  
>Then Steve goes cold as ice.<br>He takes the felon out  
>And, buddy, it ain't nice.<p>

Steve says, "You'll be OK.  
>That little scratch will heal."<br>So have a merry Christmas Day  
>While I kill Super SEAL!<p>

Oh, jingle bells, pukka shells  
>Christmas lights in palms<br>Snowmen made of coconuts.  
>I'm done with staying calm.<p> 


	10. Twelve Days of Five0

_So I posted one Christmas song and darkorangecat says, You should do 12 Days of Christmas. Ack! I'm trying to write a lengthy story and now all I can think of is silly Christmas songs! This one is so-so, but "Let it Snow!" and "Up on the Housetops" are killer!_

**Twelve Days of Five-0**

On the first day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>A cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the second day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.

On the third day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Chin with his shotgun<br>A new Steve McGarrett  
>On a cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the fourth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Ass-kicking Kono<br>Chin with his shotgun  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.

On the fifth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Five Danny rants!<br>Ass-kicking Kono  
>Chin with his shotgun<br>A new Steve McGarrett  
>On a cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the sixth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Steve going shirtless<br>Five Danny rants!  
>Ass-kicking Kono<br>Chin with his shotgun  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.

On the seventh day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Kono on a surfboard<br>Steve going shirtless  
>Five Danny rants!<br>Ass-kicking Kono  
>Chin with his shotgun<br>A new Steve McGarrett  
>On a cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the eighth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Danny's fast Camaro<br>Kono on a surfboard  
>Steve going shirtless<br>Five Danny rants!  
>Ass-kicking Kono<br>Chin with his shotgun  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.

On the ninth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Chin at computers<br>Danny's fast Camaro  
>Kono on a surfboard<br>Steve going shirtless  
>Five Danny rants!<br>Ass-kicking Kono  
>Chin with his shotgun<br>A new Steve McGarrett  
>On a cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the tenth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Strange interrogations<br>Chin at computers  
>Danny's fast Camaro<br>Kono on a surfboard  
>Steve going shirtless<br>Five Danny rants!  
>Ass-kicking Kono<br>Chin with his shotgun  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>Grenades and bikinis<br>Strange interrogations  
>Chin at computers<br>Danny's fast Camaro  
>Kono on a surfboard<br>Steve going shirtless  
>Five Danny rants!<br>Ass-kicking Kono  
>Chin with his shotgun<br>A new Steve McGarrett  
>On a cop show about Hawaii.<p>

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the network gave to me:  
>A car chase and gunfight<br>Grenades and bikinis  
>Strange interrogations<br>Chin at computers  
>Danny's fast Camaro<br>Kono on a surfboard  
>Steve going shirtless<br>Five Danny rants!  
>Ass-kicking Kono<br>Chin with his shotgun  
>A new Steve McGarrett<br>On a cop show about Hawaii.


	11. Santa Baby

_Notes: I don't usually picture a scenario for these songs, but for this one I imagine Lori dressed as Marilyn Monroe performing at the HPD Christmas party. (I mean, if she'll dress up as Sandy, why not Marilyn?) If you can't bear Lori, picture Kono doing Eartha Kitt._

_I was listening to the Sing-Off's version of "Santa Baby" when I went over this song and it had one less verse than the list of lyrics I used, so you might be thrown off if you listen to the tune while reading the lyrics. Depends on who recorded it._

**Santa Baby**

Santa baby,  
>just slip a pistol under the tree,<br>for meBeen an awful good cop, Santa baby,  
>so hurry down the chimney tonight<p>

Santa baby, a .57 Magnum's good too,  
>steel blue,<br>I'll wait up for you dear, Santa baby,  
>so hurry down the chimney tonight<p>

Think of all the crooks I've caught,  
>Think of all the boyfriends that I have not<br>Next year I could be top cop  
>If I can use the things you've brought<p>

Santa baby, I want a vest,  
>see really it's best<br>for arrests.  
>Been an angel all year, Santa baby,<br>so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, there's one thing that I really must see,  
>the key<br>To titanium cuffs, Santa honey,  
>so hurry down the chimney tonight<p>

Santa baby, come fill my stocking with ball bullets  
>and writs,<br>and a fingerprint kit, Santa cutie,  
>and hurry down the chimney tonight<p>

Bring me joy on Christmas Day,  
>with some automatics bought from H&amp;K<br>I really do believe in you,  
>so pack machine guns in that sleigh<p>

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,  
>a ring,<br>Drug or gambling's fine, Santa baby,  
>so hurry down the chimney tonight.<p> 


	12. City Sidewalks

_What is it about holiday bells that makes me think of sirens? To the tune of "Silver Bells."_

**City Sidewalks**

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks  
>Then McGarrett plows through<br>In the air there's a feeling of mayhem  
>Women screaming, bad guys scheming<br>Running mile after mile

And on ev'ry street corner you hear

Sirens cry, cops race by  
>It's Christmastime in Hawaii<br>Crash, bang, boom. Watch them zoom  
>Bad guys just can't get away.<p>

Strings of streetlights, even stoplights  
>Can't stop Steve and his crew<br>As the crooks run away with some treasures.  
>See the quads bunch<br>Hear the bones crunch  
>As McGarrett dives in<p>

And above all the tussle you hear.

Sirens cry, cops race by  
>It's Christmastime in Hawaii<br>Crash, bang, boom. Watch them zoom  
>Bad guys just can't get away.<p> 


	13. Surfing in a Winter Paradise

_I still have five of these to go. Better start posting or I won't get them all in before Christmas. This is Kono's song to "Winter Wonderland."_

**Surfing in a Winter Paradise**

Surfboards call, can you go now?  
>In the sky is a rainbow.<br>A beautiful day  
>for riding the waves<br>Surfing in a winter paradise.

Gone away is your old job  
>Here to stay is a new love.<br>You're happy to know  
>You're part of Five-0<br>Working in a winter paradise.

In the morning you can hunt the bad guys  
>Bag the clues you'll use to track them down<br>In the evening when you see the moon rise  
>You'll be undercover on the town.<p>

Later on share a cold one  
>With the team when you're all done.<br>You'll talk of close shaves  
>and then hit the waves<br>Surfing in a winter paradise.

Once you lived for wave riding  
>Now you practice your fighting<br>With weapons and thought  
>The felons are caught<br>Working in a winter paradise

And you're learning detecting  
>'Cause the town needs protecting<br>You're strong and you're bright  
>Good with a gun sight<br>Working in a winter paradise

Yes, you know it wasn't what you planned on  
>As a girl when surfing was your call<br>But you have a job that folks depend on  
>And friends who'll stand beside you through it all.<p>

A top cop as a rookie  
>But sometimes you play hooky<br>To face unafraid  
>The changes life's made<br>Surfing in a winter paradise.

Surfing in a winter paradise.


	14. Let It Snow

_The tune is, duh, "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"_

**Let it snow**

Oh the weather outside is frightful  
>'Cause the sun shouldn't be delightful<br>This Jersey boy hates it so  
>Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow.<p>

It doesn't show signs of stopping  
>Though thermometers are popping<br>Since I can't just get up and go  
>Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow.<p>

But my friends and my Grace are here  
>To show me some holiday love<br>With a steak and a nice cold beer  
>I'll survive that it's 80 above!<p>

So let Santa surf the high seas  
>Put Christmas lights on palm trees<strong><br>**But don't let the trade winds blow  
>Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow.<p> 


	15. Here Comes Super SEAL

_I swear, it was a ukulele band playing Christmas carols that inspired this one. To the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus."_

**Here****Comes****Super****SEAL**

Here comes Super SEAL  
>Here comes Super SEAL<br>Right through windows he soars.  
>Kono and Chin Ho and all of Five-0<br>Breaking down the doors.  
>Danny's backup; crooks don't stack up<br>Watch the chaos all night  
>So raise your hands and say your prayers<br>'Cause Super SEAL comes tonight

Here comes Super SEAL  
>Here comes Super SEAL<br>Into the gangsters' den  
>He's got a bag filled with grenades<br>If you break the law again.  
>Hear those handcuffs jingle jangle<br>What a terrible sight.  
>So jump in bed, cover up your head,<br>'Cause Super SEAL comes tonight.

Here comes Super SEAL  
>Here comes Super SEAL<br>Leading the Five-0 team  
>They'll come around when alarms ring out<br>And make the bad guys scream.  
>Peace on earth will come to all<br>With Steven leading the fight.  
>So let's give thanks to our Five-0<br>'Cause Super SEAL comes tonight.


	16. It's a Honolulu Christmas

_I guess I'd better get posting. I still have two more to put up before Christmas.  
>I got a little carried away with this one. This would be twice through "Holly Jolly Christmas."<em>

**It's a Honolulu Christmas**

It's a Honolulu Christmas.  
>It's a wild one you can bet.<br>Because you know  
>That with Five-0<br>You don't know what you'll get.

It's a Honolulu Christmas.  
>With grenades under the tree<br>Look for Steve  
>Before you leave<br>To get your M-16.

Chin Ho and young Kono  
>With Danny ranting near<br>Somebody hides from them  
>And thinks he's in the clear.<p>

It's a Honolulu Christmas.  
>Get your Kevlar vest in place<br>Don't be afraid  
>'Cause it's a raid<br>That ends up in a chase.

It's a Honolulu Christmas  
>And Steven's had enough.<br>Like it's a plan,  
>He'll chase the man<br>'Til Danny cuts him off.

Chin Ho and young Kono  
>Use shotgun and a fight<br>To take out the henchmen  
>Then read them their rights.<p>

It's a Honolulu Christmas  
>And in case you haven't guessed<br>We love Five-0  
>Because, you know,<br>It shouldn't be missed!


	17. Up on the Housetops

_The tune is, gasp, "Up on the Housetop."_

**Up on the Housetop**

Up on the housetop robbers creep  
>Planning to catch their prey asleep<br>In through the window quick, quick, quick  
>Only to hear a shotgun click!<p>

Oh, Chin Ho, he's in the know  
>Oh, Chin Ho, he's with Five-0<br>With a computer or with a gun  
>Chin Ho Kelly is Number One.<p>

First he was kicked off the HPD  
>Branded a thief most unjustly<br>Then Steve McGarrett took him in  
>What a detective he found in Chin<p>

Oh, Chin Ho, he's in the know  
>Oh, Chin Ho, he's with Five-0<br>With a computer or with a gun  
>Chin Ho Kelly is Number One.<p>

Now Chin has cleared the fam'ly name  
>Everyone knows he's not to blame<br>He and his shotgun hunt down crooks  
>And give them to Danny for him to book<p>

Oh, Chin Ho, he's in the know  
>Oh, Chin Ho, he's with Five-0<br>With a computer or with a gun  
>Chin Ho Kelly is Number One.<p> 


	18. Better Watch Out

_Why do I find the Santa songs so ominous?_

**Better Watch Out**

Oh, you'd better watch out,  
>Better not lie,<br>Better not doubt,  
>I'm telling you why —<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

He's loading his gun  
>And checking it twice.<br>Gonna find out  
>Who's naughty and nice —<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

He sees you when you're sweating.  
>He knows when you will break.<br>He knows if you've been bad or good,  
>So be good for goodness sake!<p>

Oh, you'd better watch out,  
>Better not lie,<br>Better not doubt,  
>I'm telling you why —<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

Catching the crooks  
>Sure can be fun<br>With ratta tat tat  
>From Super SEAL's gun<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

Under blue light  
>Steve looks insane.<br>When he says talk,  
>They can't refrain.<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

The felons on this island  
>Had better learn to flee.<br>When Steven asks the questions,  
>They answer hastily.<p>

Oh you'd better watch out,  
>Better not lie,<br>Better not doubt,  
>I'm telling you why —<br>Super SEAL is coming for you!

Super SEAL is coming…  
>Super SEAL is coming…<br>Super SEAL is coming…  
>FOR YOU!<p> 


End file.
